7 Ways to Identify a Master Manipulator

Original June 2016 Article can be found here.

Manipulation fits right in with today’s world. People use power, media, and interpersonal relationships to manipulate others. In fact, we encounter true masters of manipulation quite often each day.

Manipulation is a form of emotional blackmail. Manipulators use certain behaviors to influence how other people think, feel, and act, without them noticing. In effect, the manipulator gets them to do whatever they want.

And this is precisely the big problem with manipulation: it involves covert behaviors that the victim can’t always detect. Many people take the bait and end up allowing the manipulator to get away with it.

“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use them.” -Philip Dick-

That’s why it’s so important to learn how to identify the tactics that manipulators use. Below, we describe 7 ways to identify a master of manipulation:

1. They make you feel guilty and you don’t know why

Masters of manipulation rely on constant victimization. They probably have a “trauma wildcard,” or a difficult episode in their lives that they always use to justify the things they do wrong.

“A difficult childhood,” “ungrateful children,” “bad luck,” and other formulas like that are their favorites. They display these emotional scars with a certain amount of pride, and even end up bragging about them.

If, for example, you complain about their lack of consideration, they’ll respond with something like, “You’re angry because I’m not attentive, but I had to deal with a father who abandoned me when I was three years old.” This disarms you. Who would be so insensitive as to criticize someone who brought up such trauma? This is their game.

2. They subtly threaten you

Indirect threats are another common tactic that manipulators use. They’ve been used, and are still being used, from huge leaders to small domestic tyrants and even expert advertisers. This tactic involves anticipating the worst outcome possible as a consequence of your behavior.

“If you keep eating like that, in less than six months you’ll look like a whale.” They don’t want you to eat, and probably don’t have any sort of medical argument to back up what they’re saying; they simply don’t want you to act that way.

Maybe it bothers them to see how happy you are when you eat ice cream, or maybe they think you’re wasting too much money on food. But they don’t say it directly, they just warn you of an impending catastrophe.

3. They devalue what you do through sarcasm

If manipulators hate anything, it’s direct communication. As the popular saying goes, “they don’t call you a dog, but they offer you a bone.” They use sarcasm to ridicule you or minimize the value of your thoughts, feelings, or actions. Manipulators want others to feel insecure and inferior.

One example of this is when they send you a seemingly friendly message, but there’s pretty aggressive content hidden between the lines. “Maybe if you read a little more, you would have more distinguished friends,” translates to “You are uneducated and your friends are poor little devils.”

Sometimes, victims of manipulation start to believe that this kind of assessment is a way of trying to help them be better. But this couldn’t be farther from the truth. When somebody wants to help another, they use direct and sincere communication. And they don’t devalue people, but rather offer them concrete advice.

4. They’re almost always charmers

Manipulators typically know that you have to stroke the horse before you ride it. They usually start by acting pleasant and wonderful. They’ll flatter you and try to show that they have good taste, their conversations are super entertaining, and they’re highly sensitive to your expectations.

This is the first step. In the second step, things start to change. When they’ve already convinced you what a great person they are, they start trying to manipulate you with all their charm.

They spin a net of seduction around you, and you’re unable to evaluate it objectively. You see what they do through good eyes, and even though you occasionally have doubts, that person will always find a way to remind you that you can’t think badly of someone who is that fantastic.

5. They are self-proclaimed judges of your life

Without you knowing how, suddenly the manipulator becomes a kind of “spiritual guide” for your life. They’re extremely skilled at telling other people how they should live, even though they themselves don’t practice what they preach.

They give you advice and quote great philosophical maxims. They tell you what to do, step by step. If it doesn’t happen, they blame you. They told you what you should have done, and you didn’t follow their advice verbatim, advice that they so generously offered you.

A good friend or adviser won’t tell you what to do, but they’ll help you figure it out, because everyone is different and an answer that’s valid for one person might not be valid for someone else. The people who really love you want you to be free, not dependent.

6. They’re good at talking and changing the subject

Masters of manipulation also tend to be skilled at the art of language. They use flowery and fluid language and always have a surprising and witty argument at hand, even though it’s based on lies.

If they ridicule you by saying, for example, “you look like a penguin in that dress,” and it bothers you, they’ll follow that by saying, “sorry, I didn’t think you were so sensitive to jokes.” It’s a win-win for them. They’re masters at making people look like fools.

If you confront them, they probably won’t respond. They’ll divert the conversation towards another subject and before you know it, they’re talking about things that have nothing to do with what they initially said to you.

7. They’ll happily put the blame on you

They’ll break a glass, and you’ll end up paying and apologizing for it. A classic example of this is a husband whose wife has caught him cheating. When the woman takes out the motel bill that she found in one of his pockets, he gets angry and yells at her for spying on him and snooping through his personal things. He goes into a long rant about the importance of trust in a relationship and about respecting one another’s space.

In the end, the woman feels so guilty that she ends up asking for forgiveness for being so “controlling,” and the subject of cheating ends up seeming like a misunderstanding that she never should have brought up.

Survive a Crisis Situation with DBT Distress Tolerance Skills

Original August 2019 article can be found here.

Everyone experiences uncomfortable situations – sitting in a traffic jam, realizing you’re out of coffee as you go to make your morning joe, or having low phone battery without access to a charger. At times in our lives, we suffer through more serious distress and pain, like the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one, or losing a job. Some individuals, especially people with borderline personality disorder – or BPD – feel the pain and discomfort of these situations more keenly than others. In fact, they may feel an overwhelming sense of pain that seems to come from inside, that may not seem to be related to anything happening around them. If individuals with BPD haven’t learned to use healthy coping skills to tolerate the distress they feel, they may resort to unhealthy behaviors like self-harm, substance use, or other impulsive behaviors that may seem like an immediate “fix”, but in the long-term these behaviors can make the pain worse. Dialectical behavior therapy – or DBT – is a form of therapy created specifically for individuals with borderline personality disorder. DBT is taught in four modules, including distress tolerance. Through DBT, highly sensitive people learn distress tolerance skills that allow them to navigate uncomfortable or painful situations and manage urges to engage in harmful behaviors. DBT creator Marsha Linehan, divides distress tolerance skills into three categories: crisis survival techniques, sensory body awareness, reality acceptance.

When to Use DBT Distress Tolerance Skills for Crisis Survival Crisis survival skills should be utilized when:

• Someone is experiencing intense pain (physical and emotional) that won’t go away soon.

• An individual wants to act based on emotions that will only make things more difficult.

• A situation is overwhelming, yet there are demands that must be met.

• An individual is extremely stimulated or motivated to resolve an issue that can’t be settled immediately.

Conversely, it’s important to not use the following crisis survival skills for everyday problems or to solve all of the issues that may occur throughout one’s life. Crisis survival skills should be reserved for managing a crisis situation only. If someone wants to change a situation or an emotion, then a different set of DBT skills called emotional regulation skills should be used.

DBT Skill: The STOP Skill

The STOP Skill is a great tool to use first in a crisis situation.

S – Stop! Don’t react to whatever stimuli you may be facing. Stay in control of both your emotions and your physical body. Remain still. T – Take a step back! Remove yourself from the situation. Take a quick break or a deep breath. Don’t act impulsively based on your feelings. O – Observe! Take a moment to notice your surroundings and environment—both inside and out. How do you feel? What are others doing or saying? P – Proceed mindfully! Think about your goals in the situation and act with total awareness.

What can you do to make the situation better, and what kind of action will make the situation worse?

DBT Skill: Pros and Cons Make a list of the pros and cons of acting on your urges. Examples of acting on your urges might be engaging in dangerous, addictive, or harmful behaviors as well giving in, giving up, or simply avoiding what needs to be done. Make a separate list of pros and cons for what could happen if you resisted those urges. Carry your list with you and review it often. When a crisis situation or urge for impulsive action arises, reference your list. Consider what has happened in the past when you acted on crisis urges. Use your pros and cons list to help you choose a different course of action this time.

DBT Skill: Distracting with Wise Mind ACCEPTS Sometimes, a great way to see yourself through a crisis situation is to distract yourself from the problem in the short-term. This allows us to step away momentarily and come back refreshed to whatever challenge or crisis we’re facing. It’s important to remember though that there’s a big difference between simply distracting yourself over a short period of time as opposed to consistently avoiding an issue over a longer period of time, which could make things worse. There are various distracting techniques we can utilize. One way to remember them is the acronym ACCEPTS.

• A – Activities: Watch an episode of your favorite Netflix show, go for a walk or exercise, play video games, clean up a room or area in your home, hang out with a friend or your family, read a book, or complete a puzzle.

• C – Contributing: Sign up to do some volunteer work. Help a buddy or family member with a project. Donate items you no longer need, or simply do something nice for someone else such as providing words of encouragement or giving someone a hug.

• C – Comparisons: Think about how you feel now as compared to a different time. Remember how fortunate you may be, and think of the different people in the world who may be dealing with your same issue.

• E – Emotions: Read an emotional book. Watch an emotional movie. Listen to a powerful song or album. It can be all types of emotions. Watch a scary movie or a comedy or listen to relaxing music.

• P – Pushing away: Whatever the situation is, simply push it to the side for a while. Deny the problem for a moment. Block out painful thoughts or images from your mind and refuse to think about it.

• T – Thoughts: Count something, whether it’s to 10 or the number of flowers in a pot. Repeat words of your favorite song in your head or watch or read something thought-provoking.

• S – Sensations: Squeeze that stress ball. Take a hot or cold shower. Or crank up some loud music.

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DBT Skill: Self-Soothing with Your Five Senses By focusing on your five senses, you’re shifting the focus of your mind from the stressful situation to something entirely different. This short break helps you reconnect with your entire self and the world around you in a moment of crisis.

• Vision: Stimulate your eyes with something. You can go people-watching or window-shopping. You can build a fire or light a candle and get lost in the flame. You can go to a park and enjoy the visuals of nature. Watch the sunset or sunrise, or check out some art.

• Hearing: Go outside and listen to the leaves in the wind, water flowing through a stream or the honks and beeps of city traffic. Take note of the hums of an air conditioning unit or pick up your favorite instrument for a quick jam session.

• Smell: Burn some incense or a scented candle. Open a window. Take a bath with your favorite soaps or splash on your favorite perfume or cologne.

• Taste: Eat your favorite food or make a soothing cup of tea. Chew a piece of gum or pop that butterscotch candy in your mouth. Whatever you choose, focus on really tasting the food one item at a time.

• Touch: Pet your dog or cat. Sink into a comfy chair. Take a warm bath, or curl up in your favorite blanket. Remember to notice the soothing feeling of whatever it is you’re touching.

DBT Skill: IMPROVE the Moment Another excellent DBT distress tolerance skill that helps with confronting crisis is IMPROVE.

• I – Imagery: Use your imagination to create a relaxing setting or decorate an imaginary room with secure doors and windows to where nothing can hurt you. Make up a calming fantasy world or relive a happy memory moment by moment.

• M – Meaning: Search for the purpose in a painful moment. Focus and repeat the positive aspects in your mind.

• P – Prayer: Open your heart to a supreme being, God, or your own Wise Mind. Ask for strength and put your faith in God or another higher being.

• R – Relaxing actions: Relax in a hot tub. Do some yoga or stretch. Breathe deeply. Relax the muscles in your face.

• O – One thing in the moment: Keep yourself in the moment by focusing all of your attention on what you’re doing.

• V – Vacation: Give yourself a short vacation. Jump in bed and pull the covers over your head. Head to the beach, the woods, the lake, or the river for a day. Turn off your phone, or just sit in a park for a whole afternoon.

• E – Self-encouragement and rethinking: Be your best cheerleader. Say or think of phrases like, “You got this,” “I will be OK,” or “You’re the man!”

DBT Skill: TIPP Skill The TIPP Skill is unique because it’s physiological. By changing your body chemistry, you’re able to change your thoughts. This is one of the best skills for reducing extreme emotion very quickly.

• T – Tip the Temperature: Put your face in a bowl of ice water or hold a zip-lock bag of ice to your face, eyes, cheeks and temples.

• I – Intense Exercise: Use all of that stored up physical energy that your emotions are creating and channel it into something like running, lifting weights, or playing a physically demanding sport. Work up a good sweat.

• P – Paced Breathing: Slow your breathing down. Take big deep breathes in through your nose and exhale for even longer periods through your mouth. Focus. Try breathing in for five seconds and then breathe out for 7 seconds. Repeat for as long as you feel necessary.

• P – Paired Muscle Relaxation: While breathing in, tense the muscles in your body. Take note of how that tension feels. When you breathe out, let go of that tension and notice the change in your body. Try it just using the muscles in your legs or your arms then move onto other muscle groups.

DBT Skill: Cold Water Another great physiological trick to use when you’re in a crisis is cold water. Hold your face under cold water for 15 to 30 seconds. This triggers a response by your brain that is referred to as the “dive response.” Essentially, your brain literally thinks you’re diving underwater. To compensate and protect your body, your brain slows down your heart rate. Blood flow to your extremities is slowed and blood is redirected to vital areas of your heart and brain. This can be a very effective skill to use when you’re experiencing extreme or very strong emotions or urges to engage in particularly dangerous or harmful behavior. Find a safe, quiet place to try it for yourself.

Seven Characteristics of People Who Crave Love

Original July 2020 article can be found here.

People who have an intense craving for love often lacked affection in childhood. If this goes untreated, it could lead to many heartbreaks.

People who crave love often do so because they grew up without affection or emotional intimacy. We’re talking about people who need to be held in someone’s arms and hear loving words or have simply never felt affection from those around them. People who grow up with a lack of affection go through life waiting for the wound to heal. The issue is that they think they need others to heal. But only self-acceptance and self-love can truly help them heal. These people often confuse those two things with love and acceptance from other people. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting outside love and acceptance, but it’s more problematic when it comes to people who lack affection. This is because they’re trying to make up for a lack of affection and find self-love through other people.

“We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot live without human affection.” -Dalai Lama-

People who crave love often create situations that actually just increase the emptiness they feel inside. This is a complex psychological issue that requires psychological help. Here are seven characteristics of people who feel this urgent need for love. The seven characteristics of people who crave love

1. Obsession with affection People who crave love put a huge importance on affection. They may even think nothing else matters. Thus, a kind of fire lights up inside them when someone else shows them affection. They have a really hard time letting affection come and go naturally. The mere thought of receiving it makes them anxious. They feel both excited and terrified by it and they often become obsessed with it.  2. They try to control people It’s also common for people who crave love to become possessive and controlling with people who show them affection. They’re not necessarily trying to control the other person’s life. They do this just because they want to avoid their own pain. These people tend to have an unconscious belief that if they keep this person in sight, they’ll never lose them. The fear of abandonment and betrayal (a product of their emotional wound) makes them crave control. But this often leads to a falling out or a breakup.

3. They’re demanding People who haven’t received genuine love have trouble believing in it later in life. So, they demand constant displays of affection. They can become very demanding with partners or anyone they have an emotional bond with. For example, they might say things like: “I needed you to be there, but you weren’t” or “I was hoping you would do something special, but you didn’t”. They consider love something absolute and unconditional. But not even a mother can give you that.

4. They beg for affection People who crave love are demanding but also tend to let too many things slide. To them, anything is better than losing the person they love. Consequently, they often ignore their own needs and well-being. If they think the other person is becoming distant, they’ll do just about anything not to lose them. They feel worthless and think that the other person’s love gives their life value. This means they’ll even put up with abuse if they have to. 5. They make too many sacrifices These people also make love out to be much more dramatic and painful than it needs to be. They feel so thankful someone loves them that they’ll make all kinds of sacrifices to please them.  Love does mean having to make sacrifices at times, we aren’t denying that. But these people take it to the extreme. They act like the other person is the only one with rights and privileges, like they’re the only ones who have to give.

6. They don’t trust the other person No matter how hard they try, people who crave love can’t bring themselves to trust others. They’re constantly suspicious, and that gradually weakens their bonds. They’re always expecting to be abandoned or hurt, so that’s what they see.  Their mistrust is so intense that they can even start seeing good things as bad or vice versa. They look for ulterior motives, hidden agendas, and conspiracies everywhere. It’s all part of their massive fear of being hurt.

7. They accept the unacceptable Abuse, in any of its forms, is unacceptable. Unfortunately, lack of affection often pushes people into a cycle where they’ll accept that kind of behavior from people they have an emotional bond with. They can’t tell the difference between a disagreement or conflict and an abusive situation. They might get angry over nothing but also accept physical and mental attacks. It’s a very paradoxical situation. People who crave love seek it from others to try to fill the gap inside them. But because they lack self-love, they run into heartbreak after heartbreak. That’s why professional help is so important in these cases.