The Real Reason Your Self Worth is Low – and How to Fix It

by Sheri Jacobson, June 2020; shared from UK website: Harley Therapy found here

Deep down, believe you just aren’t as good as other people? Tried positive thinking and pushing yourself to try new things, but still have low self worth? The mistake we make when it comes to inner worth.

The biggest mistake we make about self worth is we think it is just a thought. That if we just change our thoughts that we are not worthy, we’ll be better.

Negative thoughts are actually a symptom of low self worth, not a cause.

When we are sure we can ‘think’ ourselves into having esteem, we are mistaking self worth for low self confidence.

LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE VS. LOW SELF-WORTH

Low confidence comes from present day challenges, like a job we don’t have the full skillset for, or something we have actually messed up in the past and are worried we will mess up again, like a presentation.

Our low confidence is rational. And we can then find rational ways to navigate it – get help on the speech from a colleague, or find a mentor.

Low self-worth is not rational. We can have the best job going, good health, tons of money, and still feel worthless. And low self-worth is not based on present day challenges, either.

SO WHAT IS LOW SELF-WORTH THEN, REALLY?

Low self-worth stems from unresolved past experiences and emotions. Instead of a thought, it’s a belief. Those past experiences led to negative beliefs about the world. And if there was one emotion that drives low self-worth, it is shame. We feel ashamed of who we are and what we experienced.

THE REAL TRIGGERS FOR LOW SELF WORTH

The experiences that lead to having no self-esteem are:

Child Abuse

One of the most common reasons for low self worth is experiencing physical or sexual abuse as a child. In an attempt to understand what is happening, a child blames him or herself.

Other Childhood Trauma

This can look like a parent or sibling dying, a parent leaving suddenly, losing your home, being bullied, or anything that deeply affected your sense of self and sense of safety.

ACE's

Adverse childhood experiences, or ACEs, are a psychological term for very difficult things children live through that might not always qualify as ‘trauma’. This can include things like neglect, growing up in poverty, an alcoholic or sick parent, one parent being violent to the other, a family member going to jail, and your parents divorcing.

Poor Parenting

Blaming all our misery on our parents is not the best tactic. Often parents did the best they can, but didn’t have the right information. But it is true that poor parenting— frequent punishments and criticism, harsh standards, not being shown enough affection — is connected to low self-esteem.

The Joesph Rowntree Foundation, in a report on low self-esteem, states that, “the strongest influences upon self-esteem are the individual’s parents. Parenting style, physical and particularly sexual abuse play a significant role.”

Poor Attachment

Attachment theory believe that in order to grow up to be an adult who can have healthy, trusting relationships, you need a caregiver in your early years who you can trust to always be there for you and accept you. Without this, we grow up not only with problems connecting to others, but with low self-esteem.

Negative Core Beliefs

Again, a lack of inner worth is driven by a set of beliefs that we are no good, all created by experiences like the above. Negative core beliefs sound like:

everyone else is better than me

I am unlovable

if anyone knew the real me nobody would want to know me

something inside of me is broken beyond repair.

BUT I HAVE ONLY HAD LOW-SELF WORTH SINCE RECENTLY

You had a breakup, and now you have no self worth. “I was very confident until that narcissist ruined my life,” you tell yourself. This way of thinking is actually typical in people with low self worth. Creating a false history, constantly re-writing events, playing the victim and blaming others is a way to avoid facing our long history of inner pain.

Facing up to the fact that we’ve been struggling to feel good most of our lives and deep down don’t like ourselves takes a lot of courage. This cycle of denial and blame can be easier.

But it leads to more pain in the long run. Until we deal head-on with our past, we will always be running from our very selves, and creating the same difficult pattern again and again.

A 2018 study showed that in fact people with low self-esteem actually sabotage relationships with their poor skills at asking for support. Backhanded methods like whining, acting sad, and sulking lead to negative responses from partners.

WHAT DOES LOW SELF-WORTH LEAD TO? Common red flags of low self worth are:

difficulty with intimacy and relationships

defensiveness and blaming others

a lack of life purpose

poor personal boundaries

treading water with your career

addictions – alcohol abuse, party drugs, overeating

eating disorders

secret self-harm

suicidal thinking

victim mentality

anxiety and depression.

WHAT CAN ACTUALLY HELP ME LIKE AND VALUE MYSELF?

For starters let’s look at what WON’T help. Positive thinking, pushing yourself harder, pretending you feel better about yourself than you do, ignoring how you feel and hoping it will just go away. Low self-worth has deep roots, and deep roots require committed digging. There are methods you can start working with yourself as soon as today. These include

stream of consciousness journaling

mindfulness

self compassion

learning to set boundaries

a gratitude practice

self help books.

But to truly move forward it’s highly advised to seek support. A professional counselor or psychotherapist creates a safe space for you to work through what is behind your low self worth. He or she will also help you with integrating new ways of relating and being, that gently but surely raise your esteem.

Sensory Body Awareness Skills to Reduce Distress Through DBT

Original Sept. 2019 article found here.

Dialectical behavior therapy – or DBT – is a form of therapy created specifically for individuals with borderline personality disorder. Through DBT, highly sensitive people learn distress tolerance skills that allow them to navigate uncomfortable or painful situations and manage urges to engage in harmful behaviors. DBT creator Marsha Linehan, divides distress tolerance skills into three categories: crisis survival techniques, sensory body awareness, reality acceptance.

What Is Sensory Body Awareness?

At the anatomical level, sensory body awareness is possible thanks to sensory neurons called proprioceptors. These proprioceptors, which are found in our muscles, ligaments, and joints, create a constant dialogue between our central nervous system and our brains that inform us of where our body is in space at any given moment. We can feel the stretch of a muscle as we extend our limbs, the tension in our hands as we grasp an object, and the weight or load of an object that we’ve picked up. Often, we don’t pay attention to these types of sensations until they reach a threshold. Sensory body awareness is about being extra mindful of these tiny communications within ourselves, even if we are stationary.

By practicing mindfulness of our body, we are able to connect our brains to present experiences more easily, which can lead to our brains being more accepting of reality. There are several sensory body awareness exercises that we can perform to do exactly that.

DBT Skill: Paired Muscle Relaxation

If you’ve never tried paired muscle relaxation, find a quiet, distraction-free setting and set aside ample time to fully explore its benefits. As you practice paired muscle relaxation more often, gradually venture to new places with more outside stimuli to truly understand how you can use this skill in stressful environments. Once you’ve found a good space, get your body into a comfortable position. Have a seat or lie down and keep all of your body parts uncrossed and free from supporting one another. It might even be helpful to loosen any tight fitting or restrictive clothing as well. Now you’re ready to get started.

• For each muscle group and body part shown below, concentrate on tightening your muscles—focusing both on the sensation of tightening those muscles and how it affects surrounding areas.

• Hold that tension as you inhale for about five seconds then release and breathe out.

• As you release tension, slowly say “relax” in your mind.

• Take note of the different sensations you encounter as you relax for about 10 to 15 seconds then move to the next body part or muscle group.

• Once you’ve practiced on each of the smaller, individual muscles or body parts, move on to tensing multiple medium-sized muscle groups together then larger groups. Next, try tensing your entire body all at once. When you tense your entire body, think of yourself as a stiff robot or piece of wood or steel. To release that tension, think about becoming a rag doll and let your body droop.

• After you’re practiced at full-body relaxation, practice it three to four times a day. You want to be able to quickly relax your body at a moment’s notice.

• With enough practice using the word “relax” in tandem with your muscle relaxation, you can eventually train yourself to relax your entire body by just saying the word “relax.” Practice helps the skill come more naturally to you when you need it.

DBT Skill: Effective Rethinking and Paired Relaxation

Stressful events prompt our thoughts which can produce strong emotional responses. Understanding and being mindful of those thoughts while also using paired muscle relaxation can help individuals who are seeking relief.

1. 1. Write down the prompting event that produces distressing emotions that you’re aiming to reduce.

2. 2. Ask yourself “What must I be telling myself about the event that causes such distress and emotional arousal?” Examine your interpretations and thoughts and write them down. It might be something like “They hate me” or “There’s no hope” or “It’ll never work.”

3. 3. Rethink the situation and its meaning in a way that counteracts the thoughts and interpretations that are producing stress and difficult emotions. Write down as many effective thoughts to replace the stressful thoughts.

4. 4. When you’re not experiencing a stressful prompting event, practice imagining one. At the same time, while you inhale slowly, say to yourself an effective self-statement such as “I can do this” or “I am in control.” When you exhale say “relax” and release any tension you may have in your body.

5. 5. Keep practicing until this process of rethinking and paired relaxation becomes second nature.

DBT Skill: Half-Smiling and Willing Hands

Another great sensory body awareness skill, half-smiling and willing hands, allows us to physically take control of our facial expression and hand positioning in a positive way. Remember that your body connects to your mind, so by using your face and hands as communication tools between your body and your brain, you’re able to more effectively stay in control.

To half-smile, first relax your face from the top of your head down to your chin and jaw. Release the tension in your forehead, eyes and eyebrows followed by your cheeks, mouth, and tongue with your teeth slightly apart. If this seems difficult to accomplish, try tensing your facial muscles then releasing the tension. Keep your half-smile relaxed and natural rather than forced or tense. Allow the corners of your lips to turn slightly upwards. Try to adopt a serene facial expression.

To create willing hands, you essentially want to relax your arms while turning your palms up. If you’re standing, drop your arms to your side. With hands unclenched, rotate your hands with your thumbs out to the side, your palms up, and with relaxed fingers. If you’re sitting down, place your hands on your lap or thighs with the same palms up and relaxed fingers. You can also do this while laying down with your hands out to the side and palms facing up.

Once again, practicing half-smiling with a willing-hands posture will make the exercise more effective. Try starting your day, before you even get out of bed, with this exercise. If you have a spare moment or two throughout the day, find an object that’s still or calming like a leaf or piece of art and practice. You can do this exercise while listening to music. Remain present with the music’s rhythm, harmonies, and words rather than drifting to another thought.

You can also put half-smiling and willing-hands into practice when you’re irritated or frustrated with a situation or specific person to take control of your emotions. If you’re contemplating someone you dislike or are angry with, think about what makes them happy or may cause them suffering. Imagine their own perceptions and examine what their motivations and hopes might be. Think about their consciousness and identify if they are coming from a place of openness and joy or anger and prejudice. Once you feel compassion return to your heart, your anger and resentment for this person or group will dissipate.

DBT Skills like Sensory Body Awareness Help Regulate Mood

These sensory body awareness exercises, as well as many other mindfulness exercises, all work together to help us regulate and understand how our bodies and minds are interconnected. Remember to relax and breathe deeply to enjoy their full benefits.

DBT Distress Tolerance skills can be found in DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha Linehan.

Accepting Reality Using DBT Skills

Original October 2019 article can be found here.

Dialectical behavior therapy – or DBT – is a form of therapy created specifically for individuals with borderline personality disorder. Through DBT, highly sensitive people learn distress tolerance skills that allow them to navigate uncomfortable or painful situations and manage urges to engage in harmful behaviors. DBT creator Marsha Linehan, divides distress tolerance skills into three categories: crisis survival techniques, sensory body awareness, reality acceptance.

What Is Reality Acceptance?

Inevitably, we all experience pain in life, whether it be physical or emotional. Pain is a natural occurrence that signals something is wrong. How we choose to deal with pain however, has a significant impact on our overall well-being. Often, people choose to ignore or reject certain kinds of pain or use unhealthy coping habits to minimize the discomfort in the short term. By not accepting reality, pain turns into suffering, which causes ongoing distress. Typically, people respond to pain in four ways.

1. 1. Problem Solving – Accept the reality of the situation and do what you are able to change, alleviate, or leave the situation.

2. 2. Changing Feelings – Understanding the issue at hand, observing its meaning, and seeking a positive out of the negative.

3. 3. Acceptance and Turning the Mind – Recognizing reality without approving the experience. Something may be difficult, but that doesn’t mean we have to enjoy it or let it continue.

4. 4. Remaining Miserable – By not accepting reality, individuals choose to suffer, which can exacerbate already difficult and distressful situations.

The only way to end suffering, which occurs as a result of pain and non-acceptance, is to accept reality and face the pain head on. DBT teaches three reality acceptance skills that can help individuals find respite from suffering.

DBT Skill: Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is when you stop fighting reality, stop responding with impulsive or destructive behaviors when things aren’t going the way you want them to, and let go of bitterness that may be keeping you trapped in a cycle of suffering. To truly accept reality, we must understand the facts about the past and present, even if they may be uncomfortable or undesirable. By examining the cause of events or situations that cause pain, we can be better equipped to move forward with a life worth living even when pain may arise.

By embracing reality rather than rejecting it, individuals are able to break the cycle of suffering, unhappiness, bitterness, anger, shame, guilt, or other undesirable emotions. Getting through tough times isn’t easy. By choosing to do nothing about pain and suffering or using unhealthy coping habits rather than accepting pain is what makes many people feel stuck. Once individuals can accept reality while simultaneously not approving of it is when change can be made.

DBT Skill: Turning the Mind

Imagine you are at a fork in the road. To one side is a path of rejection and continued suffering. To the other side is acceptance. Here is where one must make a choice. Turning the mind towards acceptance takes you down a path towards ending the suffering. To turn our minds, we must observe that we are not accepting of a situation. Emotions like anger, bitterness, or thinking “why me?” are indicators of non-acceptance. We must make an inner commitment to accept reality as it is. Keep making this inner affirmation to turn your mind towards acceptance each time you are faced with pain or suffering and develop a plan for catching yourself in the future when you drift away from acceptance. Once you are able to turn your mind, you are choosing to take another step towards feeling better.

DBT Skill: Willingness

Another incredibly important factor of reality acceptance is about being willing and ready to participate fully in life and living. Willingness might not be the most fun or exciting part of recovery, but it signals that you are doing what is necessary wholeheartedly. Listen carefully to your Wise Mind and separate willingness from willfulness. Willfulness may look like refusing to tolerate the moment or make necessary changes, giving up, or an insistence on being in control or fixing every situation. Flipping willfulness to willingness gives the power back to the individual to truly be at peace with reality.

10 Steps for Practicing Radical Acceptance Using DBT

• Observe that you are fighting against reality. (Ex: “It shouldn’t be like this.”)

• Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality cannot be changed. (Ex: “It happened.”)

• Acknowledge that something led to this moment. (Ex: “This is how it happened.”)

• Practice acceptance with not only your mind, but your body and spirit. Be mindful of your breath, posture, and use skills like half-smiling and willing hands.

• List what your behavior would look like if you did accept the facts then act accordingly.

• Plan ahead with events that seem unacceptable and think about how you should appropriately cope.

• Remain mindful of physical sensations throughout your body such as tension or stress.

• Embrace feelings such as disappointment, sadness, or grief.

• Acknowledge that life is worth living even when there might be temporary pain.

• If you find yourself resisting, complete a pros and cons exercise to better understand the full impact of your choice.

DBT Distress Tolerance skills can be found in DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha Linehan.